your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
