your parents love me but you hate me
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
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