I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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