I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Randomize
