I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Let's get the cat blown out
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
