I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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