I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
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