Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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