I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
