3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
