There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
