I have demons in me.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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