I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
