she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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