I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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