Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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