dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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