we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
worst night to have a conscience
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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