I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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