Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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