Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
