I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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