At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
How external is "for external use only"?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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