I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
Randomize
