does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize