I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
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