My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
