Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
