so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
