So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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