my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
