In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
