Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Randomize
