He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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