I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
