I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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