Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
