i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
