They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
