Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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