Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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