I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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