Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
