I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
