my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
