I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
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