M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
