Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Randomize