I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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