got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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