btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
