He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
