apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
