why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Randomize
