So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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