"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
it's like iHOP with fire
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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