My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
